By Tasha Poullard, News Editor | Opinions Contributor
Finding a love that works for you isn’t as difficult as we think it is. Its all about where you look for love, what circles you chose to travel in and most importantly if you are even ready to become what it is you are seeking in a spouse. At times we think we are a good catch – but most never take the time to ask themselves “would I date me?”.
Real talk – have you dated you? Have you taken time to court yourself? Meaning do you enjoy your own company? And are you cool with utilizing the time you have alone to know “you”?
One of my girlfriends said that she could never go see a movie or out to eat by herself. and she was shocked when I explained to her that I have the best times when I enjoy such activities alone – because I always meet new people in the process. I have met new clients, potential business partners, forge new business ventures even ended up on a date one time all by simply having the courage to go see a movie, attend a convention or try a new cultural dish – ALONE.
I personally feel that in learning to love my own company, I am opening myself up to being more appreciative (thankful) for a man to share my life and space with. But, because no one loves me more than me – I won’t just settle for “a man” like I have in the past – just so I can say I have one.
Or, I won’t jump into a ‘situationship’ in the hopes of being someone’s cuddle-buddy, boo-thang, side-chick or wifey and left empty handed.
While I’m at it, I can’t stand the word wifey. Wifey is cliche for a man saying “You a good woman and all – and I could see myself married to you, but I fear commitment – so I’d rather string you along in the hopes of marriage verses making you legitimately my wife“. A man who calls you wifey is pretty much saying he doesn’t want you – but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you. He loves the beneifts of you, but not the idea of being committed to you.
I was invited to join a Facebook group titled “Why He Won’t Marry You”. The title itself is very interesting. And I was surprisingly shocked to see the humble exchange in dialogue about the meme I posted (above). Which, started me to thinking about what I want in a future marriage. Especially when one of the gentleman contributors responded “That’s exactly what I want in a relationship/marriage. But unfortunately with todays woman I won’t find that“.
I’ve talked to many people who feel the same way about dating and marriage (both men and women). They honestly believe that it’s impossible to find this type of ideal love. For these people, such a love is so unrealistic -that I had to explain to my new friends how their disappointments in love can be a combination of things. Everything from the need to reassess their true hearts desire (asking do they really know what they want?) in a relationship/marriage – to asking if the expectations they have for an ideal love/relationship is realistic?
Or – maybe they should be willing to dig deeper and address their willingness (or lack there of) to compromise, since this is one of the major keys to a successful relationship/marriage. Even dealing with psychologically processing unresolved emotions linked to past lovers in order to move forward into the future with the hopes of finding new love.
At 42 years of age I’m realizing that being set in my ways (and not budging) isn’t going to get me anywhere when living and loving another human being. And my “ways” per se is as a result of what I’ve endured in the past. When I’m in a committed union it’s no longer about me and what I want- nor what I went through prior to meeting my new love interest. He is not responsible for the actions of those in my past and he shouldn’t have to pay for these transgressions (that I refuse to let go of). I must develop a level of emotional maturity that will allow me to be open to expanding my emotional capacity in accept a difference in thoughts, ideas, opinions and ways of doing things – even accepting new logic.
And I must chose someone who’s willing to do the same.
But, I’m only speaking on some of the realizations that I’ve had to arrive at myself, that I was only able to go the distance to receive within the time span that I’ve spent alone. I’m talking about really paying attention to were I meet potential love interest – conducting some serious (honest) soul searching within self. And making sure that I’m the exact match for whom I see myself loving in the future. In order for me to manifest new love, its a MUST that I take responsibility for were I contributed to the dysfunction in my past relationships – in order to ensure I don’t take that same behavior into the new union I’ll be blessed with.
For we all must become who and what it is we are seeking to attract. Most importantly we must believe we’re worthy of the love we feel we deserve.