By Tasha Poullard – TSU Herald News Editor – Opinions Contributor
I’m an older student. I just turned 42 years old on the 1st of September. And I have a lot of wisdom (through experience) to share with the student body. Upon having discussions with the youth on campus in regards to various aspects of relationships they share with others – I’ve found (at 42) that relationships really are not that complicated. What happens in most of our relationship connections with other human beings is that we as individuals make it complicated. As a result of the social, religious, financial and sexual stigmas we assign to such titles and ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’, fiancées, life partner, husband and wife.
We allow social rules that are formed by customs and traditions – set prior to our arrival on earth – to determine how an individual must treat us, without first really knowing:
- If we even really understand ourselves enough (know who we are as a person) to know what we desire from a partner?
- Do we know how to decrypt the messages they send us by their actions and body language, over verbal expression?
There’s a saying that goes “I can’t hear what you are saying because your actions are too loud”. Meaning what you are saying to me (promising me) isn’t lining up with your actions (or inactions) towards me.
Speaking candid, how a man (or woman) views themselves in relation to what they feel they deserve in a relationship, is demonstrated in their treatment of others. This is due in part to the fact that people can only give you what they feel they’re worthy of being given in return.
As I study to show myself approved in Theater Arts, I start to dig deeper into the study of human behavior. The saying “life imitates art” is truth, because you’d never think that the social-psychological studies of human behavior in the arts would go hand-in-hand. But, my studies in theater has assisted me with having a better understanding of human behavior. Mainly as it pertains to the people I encounter – as they all have a ‘role’ they play in my life. They’ve all taught me how to love and appreciate “me” on a more deeper, sub-conscious level.
Honestly, everyone in your life is a character. Playing a role that was pre-casted by fate before you even meet them. The universe conspired with your purpose to bring certain people in your life that would show you exactly how the feelings and actions of people can only adversely affect your life – if you allow them too. Their actions assist you with learning what you like and do not to like about a particular characteristics and personality trait. They show you how to better determine what’s best for you in a relationship/marriage (both good and bad). They even assist you with developing a level of emotional maturity, that helps you better determine what you do and do not deserve (what you will and will not allow) in the relationships you manage with people on any level.
Example, I’ve learned to no longer allow people to waste my time. When people waste your time its because they don’t value you or the connection they share with you.
In further elaboration, I have discovered that peoples outward (physical expressions) are united at the ‘root core’ of their very existence, and together are the driving force behind their behavior. As a result, the human psychological life – i.e. moods, desires, feelings, intentions, ambitions – are expressed through simple physical actions – such as a willing to always argue or being clingy. There’s no inner experience without external physical expression; because our bodies transmit to others our inner experiences and how we process the emotions attached to them.
In other words, science has confirmed that neural pathways connect our physical actions to the inner mechanism of emotions, while living (being in the present moment) of human experiences. The most profound processes of one’s “inner life” (what you feel inside) are expressed via physical actions. Meaning our bodies have a tendency to express outwardly what we’re thinking and experiencing before we are even aware of it. Think if the age-old expression “I can’t help that I talk with my facial expressions”. That’s because what you’re thinking during a particular situation becomes an outward expression via your facial expressions and/or body language.
And it’s nearly impossible to separate an experience from its cousin – physical expression.
The manner in which someone treats you or others serves as an outward emotional expression of how they view you (others) as a being – and how they measure your worth to them (good and bad). The ‘stank’ attitude or side eye someone gives when you walk in the room demonstrates the feelings they generate (within themselves) when present. Thus, how you treat me lets me know where I stand with you directly; and allows me the opportunity to make an informed decision of how I should move forward in management of a relationship with you accordingly.
No woman (or man) should have to question where they stand with someone who’s capable of outwardly projecting nativity towards her person (i.e. if he/she is verbally, physically or psychologically abusive towards her). When their projection is negative, they’re telling you (without saying it) that they don’t value the precious time or energy it would take to manage a healthy relationship with you.
They don’t value you or your time period! And are willing to waste it. Especially if it’s of benefit to them personally.
An example would be a man who continues to be unfaithful to his wife. Or a woman who’s verbally abusive and physically aggressive towards her husband. When either mentioned parties makes a conscious effort to rob you of your peace, cause physical harm to your person and waste your time; he/she is telling you that their feelings for you are not as humble as the feelings you have for them. And in some cases, it goes both ways, because if neither person values the union itself, but instead stay together to maintain the benefits they may receive from it (i.e. financial stability, sex, a residence or a business connection) neither individuals can offer one another the peace of love and respect they desire and deserve in return.
But if they’re happy to see you they smile uncontrollably or they pay you complements (that’s accompanied with respect and humility). The make plans to spend time with you and are men/women of their word. They’re showing you that you are of added value to their lives. It makes them feel good about themselves when they make you feel good about being loved by them. The verbal expression of their endearment becomes an added bonus. When someone makes you feel comfortable, or creates an environment of comfort, you feel loved, appreciated and respected. Which in turn (for most people) will cause you to desire to find ways to return the favor.
As it pertains to men demonstrating an outward projection of feelings – men tend to show their love and/or admiration for a woman via the physical means. Meaning he’ll do the things that he knows she loves in order to show her how he feels (i.e. gifts, jewelry, providing and love making).
Note that there’s a difference in a man making love to a woman he loves and respects, vs. a man having sex with a woman that simply meeting his fleshly needs. Most men tend to grow closer to a woman when he’s allowed to express himself sexually to her. And her body reacts positively to the love he makes.
This is why I tell young men to never make love to a woman you don’t love. Because she’ll misconstrue your pleasing her sexually with a desire for long term commitment.
In closing, remember the following bullet points:
- How people treat you is a reflection of how they view themselves. They can’t give you what no one has ever gave them.
- A person’s actions towards you is a demonstration of the value they place upon managing the relationship they share with you.
- Men express their love via actions and deeds (i.e. providing for the household, purchasing gifts and spending quality time). While women express their love by both words and actions (i.e. keeping herself attractive and appealing, expressing her love verbally – saying “I love you”, being readily available for love making).
If your (perceived) partner isn’t doing any of these things, then you need to re-evaluate who you spend your time with.